April Hope

Amelia pondered her reflection in the floor length mirror of Baby Mama’s with the critical cobalt eyes she is known for. It had been six months since that night. Six months. She turned, shaking her head and transporting back to that night.

It was cool, slightly uncomfortable like the air conditioner blowing in church during spring; jack-o-lanterns lit up the streets with their ironically jeering smiles. She had never been to a party before, but Jack said she couldn’t graduate without experiencing what high school is all about. So she went. The first drink seemed harmless enough – a simple shot of vodka mixed with a little cranberry juice. The drinks had a domino effect on her, sending her crashing into a drunken stupor unlike anything she’d ever experienced before.

“Miss?” The saleslady’s disapproving voice snapped her from the memory. “Is that the color you would like, or should I find another?”

“That’s alright. I think I’ll just get this one. Thank you, though,” Amelia continued to stare at her swollen self as the saleslady walked away with haughty flare.

Even after these six months, Amelia hadn’t gotten used to the stares and snickers when she walked through the mall, the rumors running through the school, and the haggard worry clouded with disappointment on her mother’s face. But it’s not like she could judge; she’d had Amelia when she was seventeen, and she wasn’t even sure who the father was. Amelia at least had the dignity, however shredded, of being able to identify her baby daddy.

Walking back into the dressing room and stripping off the newest addition-to-be of her collection of yellow maternity clothing, she allowed her mind to wander to Jack.

Jack Erickson, her best friend. Brown doe eyes that could melt even the hardest heart and sensitivity level unheard of in the male teenage world. She smiled as she realized, like she often did, how Hollywood their relationship had been. It was a simple, girl dates jerk, best friend listens to the moaning while secretly harboring a love for her until he can make his move, kind of plot, with a seemingly happy ending. They end up together, happy and in love, creating the feel-good sense of harmony so needed in this cruel world. At least, it was a happy ending until he dragged her to that vulgar party.

Amelia walked up to the register, begrudgingly paid for the over-priced shirt, and walked with a slight waddle out to her car.  Wincing in pain as her vertebrae pinched in an effort to open the trunk, she silently cursed herself.

“Stupid Amelia. Why didn’t you tell Jack no? How the hell are you supposed to take care of a baby?”

Once inside the Lumina, she cranked up the radio. “’Cause I got a couple dents in my fender, got a couple rips in my jeans. Tryin’ to fit the pieces together and perfection is my enemy. On my own I’m so clumsy, but on your shoulders, I’m free to be me.” She’d taken a liking to Christian rock.

Within the next twenty minutes of straight, instinctive interstate driving, Amelia pulled into her gravel driveway. Killing the engine, she slumped a little in her seat after unbuckling. The peeling paint and broken shutters adorning the two-bedroom shack combined with the garbage-strewn lawn, cracked sidewalk, and shady drug dealers smoking joints on each corner made for a dismal place to call “home.” With a sigh, she adjusted her pepper spray that was kept at all times in an easily-accessible pocket of her purse and grabbed the day’s purchases. Stumbling up to the clumsily latched screen door, Amelia felt the tears coming in waves ready to engulf the beaches of her cheeks.

“Mom! Mom? Are you home?” Amelia was wailing by now, encompassed with the ever-looming thought of raising a child in this hell hole.

“Yes, honey, are you ok?”

“No! Look at this place mom! It’s one of the most dangerous places that you could raise a child! Last week old Mrs. Lowen was robbed and Danny was kidnapped! For crying out loud, Robbie was murdered on Friday!”

“But that was a drug ring problem, honey.”

“I don’t give a damn! Mom, I am NOT bringing a child into our world if it stays like this!”

“I did it, didn’t I? What makes you so special that you think you can criticize how I raised you?”

“What a job you did, mom. What a great FUCKING job you did! I’m PREGNANT. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, I guess, and that’s the parent’s doing! All I want is my mom! You’ve done nothing but look at me with disappointment for the last six months. SIX MONTHS MOM! I understand the first month, but by now I need your support. You’ve shut me out and nearly left me out to dry! Couldn’t you have tried to get out of here? I mean, it’s a death trap! And you don’t even care that you raised your only daughter here while subsequently damning your grandchildren to the same fate!” Amelia was past the tears. All she had left to give was the rage building up inside of her like a bomb waiting to explode. She wasn’t prepared for what her mother would say next, though.

“Get out.”

“What? But, mom-”

“I said get. Out. I’m tired of your shit, Amelia. I gave the best I could, and how do you repay me? You make the same mistake as I did!”

“Oh, so now I’m a mistake? Thanks mom, love you too. I’m already gone.” Amelia stormed to her room, threw what she could in a suitcase, and piled all of her girth into the Lumina.

Jamming the key into the ignition, Amelia hotly twisted it to start and backed out into the street, almost crashing into little Emmy’s tricycle. Righting her pathway, she sped off to Jack’s house.

The tears coursed down her face in streaky rivets, blurring the road ahead. The April sun burned her eyes and twinkled off the ice still blanketing the road. The winter had been a tough one, and the Minnesota climate hadn’t quite reached its brief period of spring.

Maintaining control of the wheel, Amelia allowed her mind to wander back to that fateful night.

After she had gotten decently drunk, she discovered what category she fell into: the seductive drunk. Ashamed, Amelia recalls how she found Jack, led him up to the guest bedroom, and proceeded to push him onto the bed and make out with him. Jack had had the foresight to lock the door, so they were utterly alone and without a reason to stop. Of course, by that time, Jack was hammered as well and was likely on a concoction of drugs unheard of by Amelia. He had no qualms about breaking every boundary they had every lain. Thinking back on that party, Amelia felt her stomach tie itself tighter than a marine knot when she remembered giving everything she had to Jack that night. The vulnerability and nakedness of not only her body but of her soul didn’t hit her until the morning, but when it did, she was flattened like a pancake with the realization of what she had lost. A month later she was crushed even more with the startling news of what she would be gaining in eight short months.

Jack took it well, and she reminisced about the sliver of hope and sunshine she felt when he professed his love for her and their unborn baby. She actually felt like they had a future.

How naïve.

Jack was as ready to be a father as a child is ready to fly a plane. His partying got worse in the months to come, and he showed up less and less to her doorstep. Amelia, of course, still loved him desperately, and she considered him her best friend through and through. Whether or not they’d keep the baby hadn’t been decided on, and she knew she was running out of time to decide. A naturally nurturing and child-loving girl, Amelia couldn’t bear the thought of parting with the child any more than she could fathom raising it in her current situation.

Suddenly, a honking snapped her back to reality. Bewildered, she glanced out the windshield and searched for the source of the honk. Quickly turning behind her to check her blindside, Amelia found no car in sight. Whipping back around, she saw an eighteen wheeler barreling straight toward her little car. Screaming, Amelia desperately tried to avoid a wreck, but it was too late.

Flashing before her eyes was not only her own life, but that of her unborn child. The last thought to waltz through her mind was enough to make her realize how much she wanted that baby: she hadn’t even picked out a name.

***********

            Two weeks later, Amelia cracked open her eyes and peered at a cacophony of people, voices, prayers, and weeping. Instinctively, she outstretched her arm to rub her plump belly, but she was met with the flat stomach of six months ago.

“Where’s my baby? I want my baby! I need it, where is my baby?” Amelia went on in a progressively incoherent rant until her mother finally shooed the guests away – all but Jack.

“Amelia, honey, your baby is ok. They saved her! You’re going to – ”

“She’s a she?”

Jack leaned in, kissed her cheek, gently caressed her face and murmured, “Our daughter is a looker, just like her beautiful mother. They saved her, Mel. She has your eyes.”

Amelia was overcome with a crushing relief as her sobs racked her frail, bedridden frame. “I want to see her; I want to see my baby girl,” was heard from her mouth like a broken record until the nurse brought the shining little bundle into her room.

Amelia stared into her baby girl’s eyes for the first time, marveling at the sparkling blue identical to her own. She traced Jack’s nose and her own jaw line.